I feel like the hospital is becoming my second home...

It's odd how you can miss someone when they're right there in front of you.  Jay and I been pretty much occupied catering to Tita Cora and of course, Izaiah.  They are quite entertaining which is why we absolutely don't mind.  Tita Cora's life stories are funny and heart-warming.  Izaiah's endless energy drives me breathless!  Sometimes I could barely keep up!  Taking turns with Jay is very helpful.  It gives me a chance to BREATH.... 

It's so funny how at times Jay tries to get close to hug me, Izaiah sneaks in and places himself in the middle.  I'm very fortunate to have my boys fighting for Mommy's attention. 

I miss Jay! At times when I can't have him all to myself I think of good thoughts such as this one to make up for it...

KUYAXBLU4K'S ENTRY.. SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2005

So i went to express yesterday with my girl, to shop for a shirt and tie to wear to my home girl Jeng's Birthday (happy bday! http://public.fotki.com/kuyaxblu_4k/nyc_memories/through_the_years/2005_events/jengs_18th_birthday/) and immedieatly my eyes were drawn to this cream color leather jacket, in exactly THE style that i have been searching for the past year. Looking at the price tag i see just  my luck it is marked 60% off! I try on the jacket, and of course it fits like a glove, and the sales person along with the register person agree in unison, with me thinking there trying to spice me up for the sale. Ahhh but reality then starts to settle in and i realize that i need to control myself since it is not on my budget for the month.

I go back to the dress shirt section to divert my attention from the deal of the year to pick out my outfit for the night and head to the dressing room, to try on the shirt and tie and see if the outfit looked right. On my way to the dressing room my girl was starting to complain of cramps and chest pains (since it was about that time of the month) and said she had to run to the bathroom. Upon her 5 minutes of reassuring me that she was OK, and not to worry shell be right back, I said ok. After trying on different shirts and ties in the dressing room i start to think, hmm why dont i get the jacket? How can i pass up that great of a deal? So i ask my girl what she thought about it and again she convinced my that i must be thrifty with my money and control myself. Its not what i came here for.

So I go back to the checkout line to pay for my outfit in a rush since we were short on time. Dissapointed that i wouldnt get my STEAL of the year, and worried that some one would take the jacket as soon as i left the store, I ask the sales person if they are able to do layaway or hold on items and they said that they were not able to do so, as it was store policy. "ummm what ever ..." I said, and proceeded to pay. As i start to place my credit card in my pocket, and am handed my bag of clothes, the sales person also hands me the jacket and says "Thanks have a nice day ...."

"Hold up this aint mines (reffering to the jacket), and at this point the sales person, along with the attendant that helped me pick out my outfit says "Yes it is (all in unison)"

Here i am all confused and sheit thinking, either he thinks i must have bought it and forgot to ring it up or Wow this sales person is really cool, there actually giving this to me for free? (being the fact that he was Gay, i thought it was his way of hitting on me, so i told my girl to hurry and lets go before any one else sees anything) Still trying to walk out of the store in a hurry and in a confused and dazed state of mind, i hear the sales man scream, "Its yours, SHE PAID for it !"

Yet again reality hasnt set in and im still walking confused and finally it clicks in my feeble brain after not the 1st "ohhhh" but after the 2nd "OHHHH !!!!".... "You're fucking kidding me right ? (turning to my girl in disbelief)"

"Yea its yours!" she smiles as she trys to capture and memorize the astonished look in my face.

I trully have THE best girl in the world.

I love you baby ... you really got me good !

On a side note: after 6 years of many lasting memories & countless monents & 1st's it is with great regret i must announce that i have sold my Red Rice Rocket, Silvia. Take care my love, i know youre in good hands and going to a great person, as i know now youll finally get the treatment (and dressings) you deserve ~! See you in the magazines ~!

It's amazing how fast kids grow up these days and the darnest things they say can be so unbelievable ...

Yesterday when I picked Izaiah up from school he surprised me with two valentine cards and a nice, colorful bracelet that he made all by himself.  After handing it to me, he pulled my shirt and whispered in my ears, "Don't forget my valentine kiss MOMMY!"  My heart simply melted away.  I wonder where, when and how he learn how to be so charming.

So we get inside the car and he began to jumble through his backpack searching for his lollipop.  He was eager to find it becuase he thought he left it in class.  So before proceeding home I looked in his bag and found two valentine's card with a lollipop attach to it individually.  One was from a girl name Crystal and the other from a girl named Jillian.  I thought the idea of the Valentine grams for pre-k stutdents was pretty cute until he said in exact words, "Mommy, you know that girl Crystal?  She has curly hair.  She's BEAUTIFUL!  I'm going to MARRY HER!"  I literrally felt my heart drop to the floor.  To think, he will only be turning 5 this coming March and already he knows about marriage.  Where does he get that idea when Larry and I don't even talk about that stuff in front of him. 

Driving home felt like forever.  I froze at the light as I watched a glimpse of Izaiah in his teen years asking me for money to take a girl out to the movies.  Cars behind me honked, drivers screamed at me for sitting still in my car letting the green light turn red.

My heart began to palpitate and I began to feel paranoid after realizing how many young kids 11- 16yrs old at my job tested positive for pregnancy!  BREATH...

(talking to myself)

Izaiah is only turning 5 enjoy these moments while he's young. Make sure time is spent wisely for time is crucial, there is never any turning back or do overs.  Always remember where you came from, ever route you took growing up, every decision you made, every mistakes and lessons you've learned.  Remember what it was like when you were young so you can better relate with him.  Re-live your life through him, do the things you weren't able to do before, grant him the things you've never be given and offer him the life you wished you could've lived.  You conquered through many hardships which made such an influence in your life.  From a rebellious child to a mature adult.  I know you mean well so be proud of yourself! So far you're doing great.  Just keep it up and move forward with positive thinking for I'm sure things will turn out okay! 

Nobody ever said raising a child would be easy, but I hope in the end after ever sacrifies made, the sleepless nights and stressful days will be rewarded.

RELAX AND BREATH GEN!!

On my way to work 6' O clock in the morning I tuned-in to z100 Elvis Duran "WAR OF THE ROSES".  It was a given it would be about love affairs.  A female waitress speaks, eager to find out about a guy marital status.  So Elvis Duran called him and told him he won 2 free dozen roses.  The only thing he need to do was provide the name and message for that special someone.  All of sudden the girl gets into the conversation saying that she will be telling his wife, about his unfaithful act.  It's obvious he'd be yelling, but I didn't expect for him to threatening her on air.  He repeatedly stated he would drive to her job and beat the crap out of her! 

I don't understand why the girl even bothered to call z100 only to make a fool of herself.  She simply let her emotions get the best of her.  I guess the heart can drive you to do stupid things,- things I quite don't understand...

At the end of what is called the 'sexual life' the only love which has lasted is love which has everything, every disappointment, every failure and every betrayal, which has accepted even the sad fact that in the end there is no desire so deep as the simple desire for companionship...

Fool me once.. shame on you.

Fool me twice...shame on me...